var mydate=new Date()
var year=mydate.getYear()
if (year<2000)
year="19"+year
var day=mydate.getDay()
var month=mydate.getMonth()
var daym=mydate.getDate()

a = "ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE . . . "
b = "SEEN ON BUMPER STICKER . . . "
d = "DAFFY DEFINITION . . . "
f = "LITTLE KNOWN FACT . . . "
h = "TODAY IN HISTORY .  .  . "
q = "QUOTE OF THE DAY . . . "
w = "WORDS OF WISDOM . . . "
m = "MURPHY'S LAW . . . "
p = "POINT TO PONDER . . . "
s = "SIGN . . . "
x=""
y=""
switch (month) {
  case 0:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x="";
                y="Wishing everyone the very best in the New Year and hope you all had a safe and happy holiday season.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=w;
                y="The best way to predict your future is to create it.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=f;
                y="More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=d;
                y="Afternoon - That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=q;
                y="Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=m;
                y="If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=a;
                y="My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=p;
                y="Motivation is what gets you started, but habit is what keeps you going.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=b;
                y="Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=w;
                y="Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all by yourself.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=f;
                y="Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because he didn't wear pants.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=d;
                y="Adult - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=q;
                y="Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=m;
                y="Nothing is as easy as it looks.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=a;
                y="Hi. Now you say something.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=p;
                y="If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=b;
                y="I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=w;
                y="You can't get where you want to go if you don't know where you are.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=f;
                y="Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=d;
                y="Air bags - Inflation we can live with.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=q;
                y="If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=m;
                y="Everything takes longer than you think.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=a;
                y="Hi. I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=p;
                y="Behind every great fortune there is a crime.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=b;
                y="Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=w;
                y="Authority does not make you a leader. It gives you the opportunity to be one.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=f;
                y="Marilyn Monroe had six toes.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=d;
                y="Alarm clock - A device to wake people without small kids.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=q;
                y="If you think no-one cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=m;
                y="If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.";
                break;
          case 31:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?";
                break;
}
break;
  case 1:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=p;
                y="It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.";
                break;      
          case 2:
                x=b;
                y="I brake for hallucinations.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=w;
                y="Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=f;
                y="Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=d;
                y="Atheism - A non-prophet organization.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=q;
                y="Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile - Sean Connery.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=m;
                y="Every solution breeds new problems.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leavy a sexy message, I'll call you sooner.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=p;
                y="Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=b;
                y="I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=w;
                y="If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=f;
                y="American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=d;
                y="Baby-sitter - A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=q;
                y="Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=m;
                y="Enough research will tend to support your theory.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=a;
                y="Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=p;
                y="Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=b;
                y="They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=w;
                y="Ability is nothing without opportunity.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=f;
                y="Humans and whales are the only species that have sex for pleasure.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=d;
                y="Bank - A place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=q;
                y="If all is not lost, where is it?";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=m;
                y="Anything that can go wrong will go wring.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=a;
                y="This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your reason for calling and I'll think about returning your call.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=p;
                y="If I buy 2% milk am I paying for the other 98%?";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=b;
                y="Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=w;
                y="A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=f;
                y="The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x="";
                y="If today is your birthday, congratulations! Divide your age by four.";
                break;
}
break;
  case 2:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=d;
                y="Bank manager - A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=q;
                y="Sex is like air - it's not important until you stop getting any.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=m;
                y="The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=a;
                y="Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message after the beep, and if I don't call back, it's you.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=p;
                y="Why are hotel-room walls so thin when you sleep and so thick when you listen?";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=b;
                y="How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=w;
                y="When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=f;
                y="It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=d;
                y="Boat - A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=q;
                y="Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=m;
                y="If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=a;
                y="Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=p;
                y="Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=b;
                y="Horn broken, watch for finger";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=w;
                y="One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=f;
                y="You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=d;
                y="Budget - A method for going broke methodically.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=q;
                y="The upper crust is a lot of crumbs held together by dough.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=m;
                y="After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=a;
                y="If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. ";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=p;
                y="Why are hemeroids called hemeroids, instead of asteroids?";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=b;
                y="The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=w;
                y="The only way to have a friend is to be one.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=f;
                y="Polar bears are left-handed.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=d;
                y="Capital punishment - Income tax.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=q;
                y="A church fair is a bazaar experience.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=m;
                y="Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=a;
                y="Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want so, at the sound of the tone, please hang up.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=p;
                y="If you're not living life on the edge, your wasting space.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=b;
                y="Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?";
                break;
          case 31:
                x=w;
                y="It is never too late to be what you might have been.";
                break;
}
break;
  case 3:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=f;
                y="Butterflies taste with their feet.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=d;
                y="Cigarette - A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=q;
                y="Buying 17th and 18th century art will send you Baroque.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=m;
                y="When all else fails, read the instructions.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I'll call you as soon as I find it.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=p;
                y="Ever notice that a dog's affection increases in direct proportion to how wet and dirty he is?";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=b;
                y="I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=w;
                y="The real measure of a man's wealth is how much he would be worth if he lost all his money.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=f;
                y="Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=d;
                y="Shoplifter - Shopper with the gift of the grab.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=q;
                y="Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=m;
                y="If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=a;
                y="If you're part of the problem, hang up now. If you're part of the solution, leave a message.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=p;
                y="Ever notice that when you come in late for work everybody notices, but when you work late nobody notices?";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=b;
                y="Forget about world peace... Visualize using your turn signal.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=w;
                y="It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=f;
                y="A snail can sleep for three years.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=d;
                y="Steam - Water gone crazy with the heat.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=q;
                y="If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=m;
                y="If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=a;
                y="Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear?";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=p;
                y="Ever notice that the waitress always comes around to ask how your food is whenever your mouth is full?";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=b;
                y="Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=w;
                y="Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=f;
                y="An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=d;
                y="Classic - A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=q;
                y="Happiness is good health and a bad memory.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=m;
                y="Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=a;
                y="This answering machine has a short attention span and it will hang up on you if you leave a boring message.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=f;
                y="The electric chair was invented by a dentist.";
                break;
}
break;
  case 4:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=b;
                y="I have an answering machine in my car. It says ''I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.''";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=w;
                y="Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=f;
                y="40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=d;
                y="Committee - A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=q;
                y="Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=f;
                y="TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=f;
                y="The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=b;
                y="Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=w;
                y="Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all by yourself.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=f;
                y="The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=d;
                y="Dieting - Wishful shrinking.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=q;
                y="One good turn gets most of the blankets.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=f;
                y="Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=s;
                y="On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=s;
                y="At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=b;
                y="Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=w;
                y="You can't get where you want to go if you don't know where you are.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=s;
                y="At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=d;
                y="Diplomat - A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=q;
                y="Never judge a book by it's movie.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=s;
                y="On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=s;
                y="On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=s;
                y="At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=b;
                y="Honk if you love peace and quiet.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=w;
                y="If at first you don't succeed, find out why.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=f;
                y="Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=d;
                y="Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=q;
                y="It may be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=s;
                y="On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.";
                break;
          case 31:
                x=s;
                y="On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.";
                break;
}
break;
  case 5:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=s;
                y="At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=b;
                y="I Brake For No Apparent Reason.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=s;
                y="Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=f;
                y="The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=d;
                y="Fairy tales - Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=q;
                y="The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=s;
                y="In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=s;
                y="At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=s;
                y="In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=b;
                y="Woman make great leaders, you're following one.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=s;
                y="In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=f;
                y="If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=d;
                y="Flashlight - A case for holding dead batteries.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=q;
                y="Dignity is one thing that cannot be preserved in alcohol.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=s;
                y="At a Chicago Radiator Shop: Best place in town to take a leak.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=s;
                y="On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=s;
                y="On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=b;
                y="If you can read this, you are within phaser range.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=w;
                y="If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=f;
                y="A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=d;
                y="Frisbeetarianism - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=q;
                y="I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x="";
                y="LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=a;
                y="";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=p;
                y="If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=b;
                y="Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=p;
                y="It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=f;
                y="In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=d;
                y="Gambling - The sure way of getting nothing for something.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=q;
                y="Funny, but I don't remember being absent minded.";
                break;
}
break;
 case 6:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=q;
                y="A clean tie will always attract the soup of the day.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=w;
                y="The best way to predict your future is to create it.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=f;
                y="More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=d;
                y="Afternoon - That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=q;
                y="Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=m;
                y="If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=a;
                y="My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=p;
                y="Motivation is what gets you started, but habit is what keeps you going.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=b;
                y="Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=w;
                y="Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all by yourself.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=f;
                y="Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because he didn't wear pants.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=d;
                y="Adult - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=q;
                y="Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=m;
                y="Nothing is as easy as it looks.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=a;
                y="Hi. Now you say something.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=p;
                y="If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=b;
                y="I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=w;
                y="You can't get where you want to go if you don't know where you are.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=f;
                y="Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=d;
                y="Air bags - Inflation we can live with.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=q;
                y="If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=m;
                y="Everything takes longer than you think.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=a;
                y="Hi. I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=p;
                y="Behind every great fortune there is a crime.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=b;
                y="Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=w;
                y="Authority does not make you a leader. It gives you the opportunity to be one.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=f;
                y="Marilyn Monroe had six toes.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=d;
                y="Alarm clock - A device to wake people without small kids.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=q;
                y="If you think no-one cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=m;
                y="If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.";
                break;
          case 31:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?";
                break;
}
break;
  case 7:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=p;
                y="It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.";
                break;      
          case 2:
                x=b;
                y="I brake for hallucinations.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=w;
                y="Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=f;
                y="Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=d;
                y="Atheism - A non-prophet organization.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=q;
                y="Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile - Sean Connery.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=m;
                y="Every solution breeds new problems.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leavy a sexy message, I'll call you sooner.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=p;
                y="Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=b;
                y="I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=w;
                y="If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=f;
                y="American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=d;
                y="Baby-sitter - A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=q;
                y="Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=m;
                y="Enough research will tend to support your theory.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=a;
                y="Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=p;
                y="Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=b;
                y="They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=w;
                y="Ability is nothing without opportunity.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=f;
                y="Humans and whales are the only species that have sex for pleasure.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=d;
                y="Bank - A place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=q;
                y="If all is not lost, where is it?";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=m;
                y="Anything that can go wrong will go wring.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=a;
                y="This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your reason for calling and I'll think about returning your call.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=p;
                y="If I buy 2% milk am I paying for the other 98%?";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=b;
                y="Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=w;
                y="A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=f;
                y="The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x="";
                y="";
                break;
          case 30:
                x="";
                y="";
                break;
          case 31:
                x="";
                y="";
                break;
}
break;
  case 8:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=d;
                y="Bank manager - A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=q;
                y="Sex is like air - it's not important until you stop getting any.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=m;
                y="The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=a;
                y="Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message after the beep, and if I don't call back, it's you.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=p;
                y="Why are hotel-room walls so thin when you sleep and so thick when you listen?";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=b;
                y="How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=w;
                y="When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=f;
                y="It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=d;
                y="Boat - A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=q;
                y="Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=m;
                y="If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=a;
                y="Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=p;
                y="Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=b;
                y="Horn broken, watch for finger";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=w;
                y="One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=f;
                y="You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=d;
                y="Budget - A method for going broke methodically.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=q;
                y="The upper crust is a lot of crumbs held together by dough.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=m;
                y="After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=a;
                y="If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. ";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=p;
                y="Why are hemeroids called hemeroids, instead of asteroids?";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=b;
                y="The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=w;
                y="The only way to have a friend is to be one.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=f;
                y="Polar bears are left-handed.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=d;
                y="Capital punishment - Income tax.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=q;
                y="A church fair is a bazaar experience.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=m;
                y="Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=a;
                y="Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want so, at the sound of the tone, please hang up.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=p;
                y="If you're not living life on the edge, your wasting space.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=b;
                y="Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?";
                break;
}
break;
  case 9:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=f;
                y="Butterflies taste with their feet.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=d;
                y="Cigarette - A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=q;
                y="Buying 17th and 18th century art will send you Baroque.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=m;
                y="When all else fails, read the instructions.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I'll call you as soon as I find it.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=p;
                y="Ever notice that a dog's affection increases in direct proportion to how wet and dirty he is?";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=b;
                y="I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=w;
                y="The real measure of a man's wealth is how much he would be worth if he lost all his money.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=f;
                y="Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=d;
                y="Shoplifter - Shopper with the gift of the grab.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=q;
                y="Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=m;
                y="If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=a;
                y="If you're part of the problem, hang up now. If you're part of the solution, leave a message.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=p;
                y="Ever notice that when you come in late for work everybody notices, but when you work late nobody notices?";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=b;
                y="Forget about world peace... Visualize using your turn signal.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=w;
                y="It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=f;
                y="On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=d;
                y="Steam - Water gone crazy with the heat.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=q;
                y="If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=m;
                y="If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=a;
                y="Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear?";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=p;
                y="Ever notice that the waitress always comes around to ask how your food is whenever your mouth is full?";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=b;
                y="Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=w;
                y="Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=f;
                y="An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=d;
                y="Classic - A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=q;
                y="Happiness is good health and a bad memory.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=m;
                y="Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=a;
                y="This answering machine has a short attention span and it will hang up on you if you leave a boring message.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=b;
                y="When mom says no, dial 1-800-GRANDMA.";
                break;
          case 31:
                x=w;
                y="It is never too late to be what you might have been.";
                break;
}
break;
  case 10:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=b;
                y="I have an answering machine in my car. It says ''I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.''";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=w;
                y="Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x=f;
                y="40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=d;
                y="Committee - A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=q;
                y="Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=d;
                y="Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=a;
                y="Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=d;
                y="Shin - A device for finding furniture in the dark.";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=b;
                y="Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=w;
                y="Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all by yourself.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=f;
                y="The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=d;
                y="Dieting - Wishful shrinking.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=q;
                y="One good turn gets most of the blankets.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=d;
                y="Intellectual - A man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=q;
                y="Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x="";
                y="Seen on the back of a semi-trailer: <--- passing side   suicide --->";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=b;
                y="Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=w;
                y="You can't get where you want to go if you don't know where you are.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=f;
                y="On average people fear spiders more than they do death.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=d;
                y="Diplomat - A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=q;
                y="Never judge a book by it's movie.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=d;
                y="Tact - The ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them look forward to the trip.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x=a;
                y="";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=d;
                y="Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=b;
                y="Honk if you love peace and quiet.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=w;
                y="If at first you don't succeed, find out why.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=f;
                y="Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=d;
                y="Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=q;
                y="It may be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=m;
                y="";
                break;
}
break;
  case 11:
        switch (daym) {
          case 1:
                x=q;
                y="There aren't enough hours in the day to do all the bitching I need to do.";
                break;
          case 2:
                x=b;
                y="I Brake For No Apparent Reason.";
                break;
          case 3:
                x="";
                y="Seen on the side of a poultry delivery truck: Please pass the turkey .....But watch your speed.";
                break;
          case 4:
                x=f;
                y="The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.";
                break;
          case 5:
                x=d;
                y="Fairy tales - Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.";
                break;
          case 6:
                x=q;
                y="The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.";
                break;
          case 7:
                x=d;
                y="Polynesia - Memory loss in parrots.";
                break;
          case 8:
                x=a;
                y="";
                break;
          case 9:
                x=p;
                y="";
                break;
          case 10:
                x=b;
                y="Woman make great leaders, you're following one.";
                break;
          case 11:
                x=w;
                y="";
                break;
          case 12:
                x=f;
                y="If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.";
                break;
          case 13:
                x=d;
                y="Flashlight - A case for holding dead batteries.";
                break;
          case 14:
                x=q;
                y="Dignity is one thing that cannot be preserved in alcohol.";
                break;
          case 15:
                x=b;
                y="Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.";
                break;
          case 16:
                x=q;
                y="There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.";
                break;
          case 17:
                x=p;
                y="";
                break;
          case 18:
                x=b;
                y="If you can read this, you are within phaser range.";
                break;
          case 19:
                x=w;
                y="If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.";
                break;
          case 20:
                x=d;
                y="Hospital - Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.";
                break;
          case 21:
                x=d;
                y="Frisbeetarianism - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.";
                break;
          case 22:
                x=q;
                y="I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.";
                break;
          case 23:
                x="";
                y="LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.";
                break;
          case 24:
                x=q;
                y="Lenin's tomb is a Communist plot.";
                break;
          case 25:
                x=d;
                y="Stress - The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.";
                break;
          case 26:
                x=b;
                y="Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.";
                break;
          case 27:
                x=w;
                y="";
                break;
          case 28:
                x=f;
                y="It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow";
                break;
          case 29:
                x=d;
                y="Gambling - The sure way of getting nothing for something.";
                break;
          case 30:
                x=q;
                y="Funny, but I don't remember being absent minded.";
                break;
          case 31:
                x=a;
                y="";
                break;
}

break;
} 

if (y!=""){
document.write("<marquee bgcolor='#3EC936' border='0' align='middle'>"+x+y+"</marquee>")
}else{
document.write("<marquee bgcolor='#3EC936' border='0' align='middle'>WELCOME - If you have any comments or suggestions please sign my guest book or send me an email.</marquee>")}